i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
