he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize