Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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