just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
we should paint friendship bongs
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