and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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