I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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