My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
