yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
