Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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