Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
