I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
