Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Holy sore nipples Batman
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
