ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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