There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
