She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
