in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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