do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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