Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize