The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
