Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
