the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
