I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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