First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
