I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
