Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
