just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize