my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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