Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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