i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
