I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize