maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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