I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize