I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
