i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
