i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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