We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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