I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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