this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
