his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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