apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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