If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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