All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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