yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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