Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
