My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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