Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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