i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
