I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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