Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
