I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
