She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
