Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
