dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
