If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
