My boss' voice literally gives me gas
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
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