It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
