I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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