please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
