never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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