i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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