alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
did i walk over a car last night?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
